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Archive for the category “The Goods”

How about some short detective fiction?

Do you like Sherlock Holmes? Do you love college? Have you ever had a weird fuckin’ roommate? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then boy do I have a story for you! This is a short story I wrote for my Fiction class this past semester. I was inspired by the Holmes story “The Sign of the Four,” as well as the excellent BBC series “Sherlock.” After going on a little Sherlock Holmes kick with those two versions, I decided to create my own with the Watson and Holmes characters (Ben Wilson and Seamus Ostendorf in my story, respectively) as American college students.  If you’ve got a bit of time (19 Word pages worth), check it out: Read more…


Has Sportscenter Jumped the Shark?

The short answer: fuck yes. The long answer is as follows:

As I leisurely turned on ESPN this morning (about 12:30 pm ET) for my standard drawn-out breakfast to avoid doing work, I was greeted by Stephen A and Skip Bayless and… Joe Fuckin Budden? discussing what else?  Tim Tebow.  The Holy Virgin Tim has obviously been the Pennzoil keeping this show running for the past two years so I thought nothing of it and flipped to Sportscenter.  I just watched Paul Pierce turn in a classic performance last night to carry the C’s to victory and I wanted to relive it with some highlights accompanied by  snappy pop-culture references.  Much to my dismay however, Mein Fuhrer Roger Goodell had just decided to hand down some serious suspensions for the whole Saints bounty program ordeal.  I knew this right away because Merril Hoge, Tim Hassleback, and a juiced up Salsa instructor Jason Babin were yelling at each other about the severity of the suspensions while the always-hip John Buccigross looked bemused in the middle.  This went on for fifteen minutes.  The entire time, the ESPN Bottomline repeated the suspensions on a nonstop loop: Vilma out entire season, Hargrove 8 games, etc.  Not a single score to be found down there.  It was as if the three NBA playoff games, one NHL playoff game and slew of MLB games played the night before had never happened.  Who cares about that shit when there’s offseason NFL suspensions to be discussed, right?

“No seriously, you thought that shirt was cool?”

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GQ Barbershop Commercial

Here’s a commercial a couple of my friends and collaborators, BMack and Connor, put together for our buddy Andy’s barbershop.  Shout outs to dashing star AJ and my brother Frank for the corny voiceover. That large-chested woman at the end did a terrific job as well.

TED 2023

We’ve been watching a lot of TED Talks in class, so I went way out of my way and dug up one from the future.  This is Guy Pearce in his Peter Weyland character from the upcoming “Prometheus” giving a TED Talk in the year 2023.  My only question is, are people in the year 2023 really that oblivious to pure evil?  This guy just oozes slimy British villain and these people are eating it up like he’s got a cure for cancer. Get with it, future-people.

Antoine Walker retires, swears he was still playing basketball

This was cool for like 2 years. Then he kept playing

So apparently you can retire whenever you feel like it, actually playing in the NBA be damned.  One of the NBA’s all-time prolific three-point shooters (note I didn’t say “scorers”), Antoine Walker officially called it quits today while the rest of the world wondered aloud, “Wait, this didn’t happen five years ago?”  No, in fact it didn’t.  ‘Toine actually played for the T-Wolves in the 2007-08 season and since then has filed for bankruptcy, sold his championship ring, played a little D-league ball and finally settled his bankruptcy case.  So while it may not have ended so well for ‘Toine, I’ll always look back fondly on those early 2000’s Celtics squads with him jacking up three’s left and right, Tommy Heinshon screaming “I LOVE WALTAAAAAH!” and a young Paul Pierce dutifully strapping the likes of Jiri Welsch and Chris Mihm on his back.  It may sound kind of strange, but I view those rag-tag C’s teams as the glory days (minus the actual glory, I guess).  At the very least they were a lot of fun to root for.  Antoine Walker and his shimmy were an integral part of that.  So godspeed in the rest of your endeavors ‘Toine, godspeed.

Side note:  In ESPN’s endless hype leading up to this year’s NCAA championship game, I caught plenty of highlights of Kentucky’s champion ’95-’96 team, led by Walker.  I was stunned at the amount of future Celtics on the squad: Walker, Walter McCarty, Tony Delk, Ron Mercer- some of the all-time greats!  Throw in head coach Rick Pitino and assistant coach Jim O’Brien and you gotta wonder how this didn’t translate into at least one NBA championship (any “they all sucked arguments,” while valid, will be completely ignored).

Movies you should see this year, according to me

It’s that time of year again. The weather is getting warmer, the clothes are getting skimpier, and Hollywood’s getting ready to drop some motherfucking thunder at your local theater.  Yes sir, blockbuster season is upon us.  It started this weekend (sorry, John Carter) with the much-anticipated release of The Hunger Games, starring that hot girl from X-Men Oscar-nominated actress Jennifer Lawrence.  No, I will not be seeing that young-adult novel mularkey, but in honor of Jennifer, I sat down to write my “most anticipated movies of summer” list.  Thing is, I hit a little snag along the way: I’m not anticipating a whole lot of movies this summer.  So unless I was going to include sure-to-be classics like Piranha 3DD (like boobs! Get it?!) and G.I. Joe: Retaliation, I had to expand my list to include the entire year. (To be fair, G.I. Joe’s strategy of killing off the entire cast of the original and replacing them with The Rock can only lead to great things).

This flower had a stem once... then it dissed Phantom Menace

Since we all know January/February is the traditional Hollywood dumping ground for misfit movies, I think it’s safe to say I haven’t missed much by starting this list in March (special shout-out to January’s The Grey, 1. for being a kick-ass movie and 2. so Liam Neeson doesn’t go all Liam Neeson on me on the off chance he surfs unpopular college blogs for perceived slights and unfavorable reviews.  I have a sinking feeling he does).  So without further ado, my ten most anticipated movies of 2012: Read more…

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