The Official* “Around The Horn” Drinking Game
Ever been sitting around at 5 o’clock on a weekday, watching ESPN’s “Happy Hour” and wonder why you’re not drunk? Ever come to the strange realization during “Around The Horn” that Woody Paige is
probably definitely more intoxicated than you? Have you ever wanted to punch Jay Mariotti straight in the face? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then boy do I have the game for you! It’s the “Around The Horn” drinking game and it’s here to get you drunk!
Play the game with four or more players. I tried a one-on-one version with my roommate and it only led to severe belly-aches and a dire shortage of Lion’s Head for the rest of night. It’s possible to play the game with over four people (just break into teams) but for the purpose of laying down the rules let’s assume we’re playing with four.
Choose an analyst
Each player chooses an analyst to be their representative for the game. This can be done however you want (draw straws for first pick, four-man Hell in a Cell, whatever) but I find the easiest way is to just shout which analyst you want either faster or louder than your friends. If you willingly choose Mariotti, chug for ten seconds and know that I don’t like you.
For each point your analyst is awarded, give away one drink
Drinks will be defined as seconds of chugging. You can disperse these drinks among your opponents however you like. For example, if I’m Team Woody and Reali awards him 5 points, I can give two drinks to one player, two to another and the last point to someone else. Or I can just throw all five at whoever is pissing me off at the moment.
For each point your analyst has taken away, take one drink
Pretty self-explanatory. Now we can all know what it feels like to be at the mercy of Tony Reali’s random point system.
If your analyst is in the negative, you cannot give away drinks
Occasionally Reali will be in an especially saucy mood and mute an analyst right at the start of the game, sending him into negative points zone. If this happens to your guy, you cannot give away drinks until you are back up to zero. Drink double for any points taken away while in the negative.
1st Cut: If your analyst is eliminated, finish your drink
Now wash it down with some swallowed pride and grab another beer because it’s time to join a friend’s team. Choose one of the three remaining analysts and join his/her squad. You may not choose the leading analyst (call this the Lebron Rule- win it on your own, you sissy).
The two-man squad
These two players are technically on the same team, but they operate independently of each other. You know, like Amare and Carmelo. So if Jackie’s team has two people on it and she is awarded three points, each player on her team gives away three drinks. If she has three points taken away, or if an opposing player gives her team three drinks, each player drinks for three seconds. There will be no points sharing here. You know, like the basketball in New York- wait, can I still make these jokes now that Linsanity has taken over? Yes, because I don’t care. Mike D’Antoni, your thoughts?
Two-man squad continued
A strange phenomenon happens once we reach the team-up stage. The two other players who still have their own analyst tend to feel threatened by the two-man squad and start assigning all their drinks to them (at least that’s how my coward roommates played it). To be clear, these single players are not on the same team and can (and should) still give each other drinks. However, the players on the two-man team may not assign their partner drinks.
2nd Cut: If your analyst is eliminated, finish your drink
There are now two analysts left and the teams will be split up two vs. two. If the first two-man squad had their analyst eliminated, then the original member of that team gets first pick as to which analyst’s team he will join for the Showdown.
Each point awarded in the Showdown is worth ten seconds of chugging for the opposing team. When a winner is declared, the losers must chug for the entirety of that analyst’s Face Time. Thirty seconds may seem like a lot of chugging, but most people won’t be starting with a full beer at this point and will probably finish before the thirty seconds is up. If by chance you did just grab a fresh beer, well then good luck to you. But hey, if Eli effing Manning can win two Super Bowl MVPs, then anything is possible right?
*not actually official